PARENTING
Surrey’s Premier Lifestyle Magazine
Old fashioned values in a new techno world
Actress Camilla Rutherford has four children and explains how she manages new technology and old fashioned play with her young family.
PHOTO COPYRIGHT: HELENE SANDBERG
When I was a little girl, technology was not part of mainstream living the way it is today. My father was a journalist and one of my childhood memories was the sound of his typewriter as he wrote his articles. One day my father told me that there would, in the future, be an invention called ‘the internet’ – a library to roam via a computer. It would be vast and available to everybody. We loved our local library – the idea was fantastic.
Not long after my first child was born, his father and I, unfortunately, divorced. I was a single mother, balancing work and new motherhood. I did many activities with my son: taking him to dance lessons, to play football, cycling, and on play-dates. There were quiet moments too: playing, reading, drawing, and chatting with him. Sometimes I was too busy to play and when Hector’s godfather gave him an Xbox as a present, Hector’s contentment when playing was an occasionally useful distraction.
I knew almost nothing about computer games, but thought of them as an interactive form of television, sometimes with amazing graphics and fun challenges. I watched my son’s pleasure as he played when I was busy around him.
We were living in an Edwardian house with two downstairs’ reception rooms next to the kitchen. One of the reception rooms became a playroom and the other my sitting room. I was able to get things done when he played. With no nanny, partner, or siblings, computer games were very handy when I was busy. When I spoke to other mothers it seemed to be what their sons were doing in their spare time too. Any moments of doubt that the activity was overly absorbing and perhaps not very good for you were met with guffaws. Playing computer games was good for eye-to-hand coordination and speedy reactions. Had people not said in the seventies that watching too much television would give you square eyes? Some people are so averse to change!
Hector did well at primary school. He was a popular boy, always aware of the latest fashion. Hector became a whizz at Instagram before I knew what it was. Social media was the way to communicate with friends, lots of fun and it seemed only a ‘fuddy duddy’ would have ignored it. His proficiency at hashtagging and photographing ‘cool’ pictures of himself brought him many followers. I was impressed. I felt slow and behind the times.
Technology was everywhere, at school and at home, not like when I was growing up. Technology was to be embraced – it was the way of the future, the beginning of a new world, just as my father had said it would be.
Not long after my first child was born, his father and I, unfortunately, divorced. I was a single mother, balancing work and new motherhood. I did many activities with my son: taking him to dance lessons, to play football, cycling, and on play-dates. There were quiet moments too: playing, reading, drawing, and chatting with him. Sometimes I was too busy to play and when Hector’s godfather gave him an Xbox as a present, Hector’s contentment when playing was an occasionally useful distraction.
I knew almost nothing about computer games, but thought of them as an interactive form of television, sometimes with amazing graphics and fun challenges. I watched my son’s pleasure as he played when I was busy around him.
We were living in an Edwardian house with two downstairs’ reception rooms next to the kitchen. One of the reception rooms became a playroom and the other my sitting room. I was able to get things done when he played. With no nanny, partner, or siblings, computer games were very handy when I was busy. When I spoke to other mothers it seemed to be what their sons were doing in their spare time too. Any moments of doubt that the activity was overly absorbing and perhaps not very good for you were met with guffaws. Playing computer games was good for eye-to-hand coordination and speedy reactions. Had people not said in the seventies that watching too much television would give you square eyes? Some people are so averse to change!
Hector did well at primary school. He was a popular boy, always aware of the latest fashion. Hector became a whizz at Instagram before I knew what it was. Social media was the way to communicate with friends, lots of fun and it seemed only a ‘fuddy duddy’ would have ignored it. His proficiency at hashtagging and photographing ‘cool’ pictures of himself brought him many followers. I was impressed. I felt slow and behind the times.
Technology was everywhere, at school and at home, not like when I was growing up. Technology was to be embraced – it was the way of the future, the beginning of a new world, just as my father had said it would be.
I began to limit the playing of computer games and the use of Instagram to Friday evenings and weekends. Hector’s friends would come by, the Xbox came on, and the iPad was used for Instagramming. The atmosphere was not wholesome or healthy. This attempt at the controlled use of technology for fun felt like a waste of time. It was only by giving up completely that a fresh approach to work and play could be enjoyed.
I sold the Xbox and put the iPad away. I would have disposed of the iPad entirely, but sometimes it is more comfortable to read a script in a reclining position. It no longer mattered to me that other boys had Xboxes in their bedrooms to be played with whenever they wanted. Hector was not pleased. He raged about unfairness. By then I was certain about ridding the house of computers for use as entertainment.
It is now alarming to me to see the use of technology to distract and seemingly amuse children. I now see playing computer games and children using social media as a way of distracting them from the real pleasures in life, in actual and not virtual things. Technology as entertainment hindered my child’s focus, imaginative playing, conversation, and it was addictive and vacuous.
There is, of course, nothing like retrospect. At the hairdresser the other day, one stylist held an iPad in a child’s eye line while another washed the child’s hair. It was the child’s mother who had requested this for her daughter. The shampoo bottles, sounds, smells and activity of this busy Knightsbridge salon could not penetrate the interest of the six-year-old girl. It has become de rigueur to use technology to distract children while travelling. The clouds, lights or fields from the window of a moving car, or indeed conversation, are considered not enough to spark the imagination of a young mind.
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Camilla Rutherford is an English actress best known for her roles in Gosford Park, Rome and, more recently, the television mini series, Fleming. Camilla grew up with her sisters in Holland Park. Her father was a writer for The Financial Times and her mother was a magistrate. She studied mathematics at Newcastle University and was a top model, appearing on the covers of Spanish Vogue and Spanish Harper’s Bazaar. Camilla was the face of Max Factor in 2004. She will next be seen in the film Alleycats, released later this year. Camilla feels happiest when she is being creative and has started a blog called ‘The English Mother’ as an outlet for her creative pursuits: www.theenglishmother.comI was ignorant about how best to use technology when I had Hector and not confident about the things I do know. I know that sport and being outdoors is good for you, I know that learning and talking are nourishing and that discipline, however hard, brings greater long-term satisfaction than succumbing to the hypnotic trance of watching TV or playing computer games. Being a mother was a new experience. It took time for me to have the courage to stick to my convictions. I know that being bored is not a bad thing. Just as ‘necessity is the mother of invention’, boredom leads ultimately to productivity and creativity – if not that, then time to be still and let the mind wander (a luxurious pastime later in life!).
Since the Xbox left the house and the iPad is out of reach, television is losing its daily appeal. Sometimes television is forgotten about altogether. Hector’s focus and concentration have improved. Now, not only does it not bother me when the children have ‘nothing’ to do, it pleases me. I know it is good for them. I watch what happens: imaginations kick in and pictures are drawn, games invented, conversations begin and flourish. Yesterday evening the children acted the witches’ scene from Macbeth!
Children should play, jump, talk, make noise, read, paint and feel – this is their childhood – a time to dream, dance, and laugh on a whim, when the sun shining on a dusty path can bring pebbles to life. In preparation for the future, children need also to learn the discipline of focus.
It has always been my dream to be a mother. I must make the best of my responsibility to show them how to enjoy life, live well, and reach their potential.
Since Hector was born, our household has evolved; there is not just me and Hector anymore. There is me and Dominic, Hector, Maud, Nancy, and my youngest son, Blaise. I have more experience and trust myself more. We will never have an Xbox again, but we love our computer. The easy access it gives us to information is even more amazing than the invention I imagined it would be when I was a little girl. We also love pens, paints, books, sport, cooking, the outdoors, and each other, and that is the most fun of all!
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Websites: www.themothermagazine.co.uk www.surreymummy.comThis article was first published in The Mother magazine issue 71.